How to be good friends with an infertile

Being a good friend to an infertile is not an easy job. It’s a job with fluid parameters, a thankless job sometimes and one where it might appear that no matter how hard you try, you never seem to get it right.

There are times when you will be extremely busy and the job, very demanding. There are other times where you will be benched and forced to sit on the outside looking in (there is not often any logic in this change of demand). Be aware of the volatility of work pressure when applying for this job. It is not a decision to be taken lightly.

Still up for it? Here are six tips on how to be good friends with an infertile…

Good friends never judge

Remember that unless you’ve walked in the person’s shoes, you can’t say “well I would never….do IVF, terminate a pregnancy or spend so much money on ART.” To be honest, who likes judgemental people anyway?

Good friends will educate themselves about what their friend is going through

Read up about infertility so that you can begin to develop an understanding of the intricacies involved. Know little things; like eggs are retrieved, then fertilised and then become embryos that are put back. That way, when your infertile does share some of her world with you, you will understand.

But won’t offer advice

Do not offer advice, or hot-off-the-press latest research about a fantastic new procedure that is sure to work. Remember the stuff they write about in your local woman’s magazine is stuff that your infertile friend did in infertility 101. Been there, failed that. ICSI is not a new procedure, I promise.

Which goes back to point two. Educate yourself about your friend’s diagnosis so that you can avoid offering pointless advice.

Platitudes, never ever offer platitudes

This is a totally selfish act because all platitudes do is make you feel better and your infertile friend worse. Saying “maybe you are not meant to have children” is an incredibly stupid thing to say. You wouldn’t say to a diabetic “maybe you weren’t meant to have insulin.” Infertility is a medical condition. Not some factor in the universe’s bigger plan.

Know what your friend can handle

Trust your friend to know what she can or can’t handle. Don’t hide things from her, but respect it when she says to you “I don’t think I am going to be able to handle that”. Your friend knows when her good days and bad days are, and what she can or can’t handle.

Level of involvement

Infertiles differ in the level of involvement in which they engage their good friends. Some, like me, are pretty open about the whole thing. Every friend and their mother knows what I am going through. Other people prefer to keep their infertility private. Find out what your friend prefers and operate at the level she feels comfortable with.

Which brings to me to my final point. If you don’t know how to act, ask. I love that my friends ask me how I want them to act around me.

To end off, if you decide to accept the job of good friend to an infertile, I applaud you. Because it is not an easy job. As I have said, it’s a pretty thankless job and one in which your job description is so fluid that what is required today is rejected tomorrow. But we are thankful for the friends that stick around and we appreciate you.

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