How to survive infertility: 10 points to help get you through it

When you are infertile the last thing you want is advice or tips from anyone, especially fertile people or even infertiles who are now pregnant. So this is not advice, these are just some points that kept me relatively sane and functioning through my four-and-a-half years of infertility.

Your loyalty lies with yourself first

One of the things I have learned, is that life is too short and sometimes too hard to do things because of social niceties or obligations. Baby showers, parties, dinner invitations – only go when you want to go, when you feel you can deal with the situation or the company. Sometimes you need to protect your own heart more than you need to do the ‘right’ thing. The right thing for you, is to look after yourself.

Decide whether you are in or out of the closet

The advantage of being out of the closet is that your friends and family know and hopefully understand why you don’t attend baby showers, etc. Your potentially anti-social behaviour becomes a little more understandable. My friends and family gave me a lot of leeway because they knew of my situation. If there was a lunch, they would say “I would love you to come, but be warned there will be lots of kids and babies there.” That way I could decide whether I was up to it or not, and they understood.

The disadvantage of being out of the closet is that you have 754 million people who you let down each time you have a negative, or so it feels. Instead of one phone call to your husband telling him of the negative, you have to make 80 phone calls. There is a downside. Perhaps limit the amount of detail you share.

Educate yourself

I swear I could practically do my own cycles if it wasn’t for retrieval and transfer. I found that educating myself made me feel a little more in control. And control is so hard to come by in this process. But beware of the old adage ‘a little knowledge is a dangerous thing’. Don’t Google yourself into a frenzy. No, you do not have all of those scary problems you have just discovered on the internet. Discuss your theories with your doctor before you jump to conclusions.

Get online support

A genuine sanity saver for me has been getting online support through bulletin boards and forums. I have met the most amazing people and made some life saving friendships. It is such a relief to be with people who get it. To be able to bare your soul to kindred spirits. Go online, there are many bulletin boards and support groups, in different flavours. Find one to suit your personality. Some are all happy and positive, others are filled with cynical humour and the occasional swear word. Find one where you feel at home.

Get help if you need it

About two years into the process, I hit a particularly bad period, where the sadness, pain and bitterness was threatening to consume me. I had cut myself off from everyone and the overriding emotion I felt, was anger. It was then that I finally bowed to the gentle pressure from my family to go see ‘someone’. A therapist, a psychologist or whatever. I didn’t want to go; I thought “what’s it going to help? I’ll walk in there infertile and I will walk out infertile, speaking to a doctor wont change my reality.” And it doesn’t change your reality, that’s right. But it can help you deal with that reality.

Take breaks between cycles

For various reasons. From a physical point of view, I firmly believe your body needs a break from the terrible stress of a cycle. My worst cycles have been those that were done back to back. From my second IVF I decided to take three month breaks between cycles, which was the best decision for me. It felt like a holiday, knowing that for three months I could live like a normal person, drink wine and have fun. Emotionally and mentally it does wonders, and I found my response was so much better. Don’t let the loudly ticking clock rush you into doing cycle after cycle.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Yes, apparently some people do conceive on their first IVF, or even their second. Unfortunately not all of us do. Don’t compare yourself to other infertiles or even worse, fertiles! It will get you nowhere. That’s them, you might be different.

Don’t ever consider yourself less worthy

Remember that child abusers, murderers and drugs addicts get pregnant. So falling pregnant is certainly not about worthiness. If it was, we would all get pregnant easily, because we are worth it. Being infertile is not your fault, or because of something that you did in the past. Stop blaming yourself, it gets you nowhere.

Decide on how many different versions your happily-ever-after can take

For some people anything beyond sex is too much. For others, IVF is a step they won’t consider. Everyone is different, but the most liberating thing for me was the decision that I would do whatever it takes to have a child, including donor eggs and adoption. Never having to face the end of the road helped me stay on the road. This is not for everyone. That’s okay. Between you and your husband, decide on how far you are prepared to go, it makes the process seem less endless.

Always have a plan B

This one kept me sane. I was so focused on having a plan B, that at the beginning of each cycle, I had the money saved up and time allocated for the next one. It made the negative just a bit easier to deal with, knowing that I had a back-up plan.

Lastly, remember that life is too short (and too hard) to do stuff you don’t want to do. Stop trying to please other people and look after yourself.

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