How I survived being a zombie mom

For the new parent, sleep is a gift more precious than gold, says Mignon Keyser, who is finally able to catch a little shut-eye with two kids in tow. 

My daughter was ‘not a good sleeper’. If you say it really quickly like that, it doesn’t sound too bad. I mean, how bad could it be, right? Her birth started my four year journey into sleep deprivation.

Imagine this scene: My bedroom. It’s 9pm and I have been trying to get my daughter to sleep for the last two hours. She has been fed, I have bathed her and I am ready for bed. I am holding her, walking up and down the carpet in the room gently jiggling and patting her. I am also singing ‘Puff the magic dragon’.

I walk and jiggle, and walk and pat and walk and sing and walk and pat and jiggle and sing and pat and jiggle and sing in the desperate hope that my precious child will close her eyes. She does not.

So I walk and jiggle and pat and walk and pat. Words cannot describe how exhausted I am. This has been going on for months. I have not slept more than 3 hours at a time since her birth. She is eight months old.

Walk jiggle pat.

I have a board meeting in the morning. I haven’t had a decent conversation with my husband in months. Instead of words we simply hiss at each other between shifts of trying to get her down.

Eventually, I hear a little sigh that I know means she has finally closed her eyes. Gently, I lower her into her cot. Please, please, please be asleep, I pray.

As her head touches the bedding – her eyes pop open and she screams her disappointment at no longer being in my arms. I swear under my breath, lean my aching back into the cot to pick her up and we start again… Jiggle, pat, walk, puff the magic dragon.

The crazy thing is that I would do it all again for them

I hold my child and quietly weep as I walk with her. How long is this going to take?  When am I going to be able to lie down? When is she going to learn how to do this? I never knew how strong or resilient I was until I had that experience. I have learned so much about myself and what I am capable of.

People seldom talk about the ravages of sleep deprivation and it’s difficult for those who have not experienced it to fully understand the mind numbing desperation. Sleep deprivation goes very well with a side serving of depression and a main course of weight gain. All this had to be managed, worked through and survived. And I did. These are not skills you can put on your CV, but my word they are powerful in the real world.

My daughter will be six in May and I am only now feeling that I have fully recovered from the exhaustion of the first four years of parenting. My son – born two and half years after my daughter – added his own contribution to my lack of sleep.

The crazy thing is that I would do it all again for them. It has toughened my resilience in ways I never thought possible. I have learned to slow down, to manage my rage and exhaustion and I have built my marriage out of the ashes to be robust, solid and flexible. I have become a better strategist because I really understand the non-linear nature of life and growth.

I have survived, and so has my marriage and both my children. There is nothing I am prouder of than this monumental achievement.

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