The crying game - and how to win it

Kagiso Msimango worries that she may bear the blame for her wildly wailing brood, until the wisdom of the ages reassures her that today’s criers could be tomorrow’s leaders.

My eldest was five years and nine months old when my youngest was born, because it took half a decade for my broodiness to boldly resurface. You see, my eldest was a colicky insomniac.

Did you know that 45 minutes is the length of a single sleep cycle?

My eldest did, and she didn’t see the need to sleep any longer, when she could use that time to draw concerned citizens to our door with her wails.

She is almost six now, and is still a crier. It turns out that she loves crying. She says so herself, proudly. I bet she’d include it in her Facebook profile if she were on social media.

Armed with the hope that her incessant bawling is a personality quirk, reinforced by a comment I happened to stumble upon in a forum, that ‘God never gives you two criers in succession’, I was ready to make another ‘lovelet’. It turns out that God does not read the posts on that particular forum, because I now have another crier…

Which is why I have become obsessed with other people’s babies.

The calm ones you see in public, the ones you you can put in a car seat without either of you having a meltdown. The ones that gurgle and play with their toes at restaurants, while their un-traumatised parents have dinner. The ones who serenely suck on their dummies while their fresh-faced, well-slept mommies push them leisurely through the mall, shopping for sexy lingerie. You see, these moms, unlike me, are not deathly afraid of feeling sexy, in case it leads to more screaming offspring.

I confessed my guilt over birthing wailing children to my grandmother. Their dad is a very calm guy, while I am pretty highly-strung, so I figured it has to be my fault. I should have done preggy yoga or other cortisol-lowering activities. Perhaps I had too many caffeinated drinks during my pregnancies. Maybe I am just a horrible mother and my children are crying because there is a no return policy.

My grandmother (a mother of six and in her mid-80s, so she must know what she’s talking about), says the crying is a good sign. It shows that my children are feisty, opinionated, assertive and vocal. In the future they will lead the pack of the currently gurgling, mall-going, car-seat-loving, docile babies. Phew!

If you too have produced a crier, I have found that the following five things help:

1. Take your baby to the chiropractor.

2. Applying lavender essential oil.

3. Liberally slug Rescue Remedy.

4. Avoiding conversations and eye contact with mothers of content babies.

5. Turn to your grandmother, any grandmother for a big fat hug (cooing also does wonders).

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