Help! My one-year-old is biting and pinching

I have a one -year-old daughter, who is very aggressive. She bites and pinches us almost everyday even though her nails are cut  short. If you take something away from her and replace it with something else, she will roll around on the floor screaming at the top of her lungs. At first we thought she learnt this behaviour at day care, and we changed her to another one but nothing has changed. Please help…

Your daughter is beginning to separate herself from you and becoming more independent, therefore she wants to do more on her own and will defy you. As she doesn’t have the words yet to express herself properly, she is expressing herself in the only way she knows how. She is obviously feeling very frustrated, and it is important to establish why she feels this way.

Questions you need to ask yourself are:

• Is she getting enough attention from you?
• Is she using aggression and non-compliance to get attention from you?
• How are you disciplining her when she does bite and pinch you? If you use punitive discipline methods such as hitting or biting her back to discipline her, she is learning that aggressive behaviour is an acceptable way of responding when you are angry.
• What type of parenting style do you use? Research shows that authoritarian parenting is related to negative behaviour.
• Are you consistent with the way you parent her? Can she predict with 100% certainty what is expected of her?
• Do you explain how her behaviour makes you and others feel, thereby creating empathy?

It is important to give her the opportunity to be more independent while still ensuring her safety. Let her feed herself somewhere where it doesn’t matter if she messes. Let her walk alone in a park where you can ensure she’s safe. Find opportunities to allow her to do things by herself.

If she is feeling frustrated and begins biting, gently stop her by firmly saying “No, that hurts. You are making me sad.” Explain to her how her behaviour impacts on others, and that her behaviour is not acceptable – “We don’t do that in our house.” Acknowledge her feelings of frustration, and offer to help her with what is bothering her, but don’t do it for her.

Ensure you give her lots of positive attention when you are together, especially if you have been at work all day. Praise her for good behaviour. 

She needs a routine in order to make her feel safe and secure, so ensure you are consistent in what you do every day. She should also be eating healthy foods free of sugars, salts, colourants and caffeine and should be getting 12 hours of sleep a night, with possibly a lunch time nap if she needs one. Lack of nutrition and sleep can contribute to her frustrations.  

If you can pre-empt when she is becoming frustrated take her in your arms and cuddle her.

Avoid unnecessary conflict by not taking things away from her. Lock valuables away where she cannot reach them and let her have access to a variety of toys. She should play in a room that is child friendly and safe. 

She also needs to be getting sufficient exercise everyday. She should have somewhere where she can run around and release some frustration.

Teach her appropriate ways of expressing her anger, such as marching, doing an angry dance. Join in with her saying, ” Come let’s do an angry dance. You are cross cross cross!” while you stomp around the room.  

Never walk away from her or ignore her as this will make the situation worse. Remember she is trying to tell you how she is feeling and she needs her feelings to be acknowledged.

Question and answer provided by Claire Marketos www.inspiredparenting.co.za

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