How to deal with your toddler's lying

Your toddler lying may be more normal than you think, and there is a powerful social motivator behind this behaviour. In fact, changing the truth for personal gain is a milestone, seen as an aspect of social and cognitive development.

Why children lie

Here are some of the reasons why children lie:

Toddlers: Little ones find it hard to distinguish between truth and fiction.
Pre-schoolers: To communicate a wish.
School agers: To keep from getting in trouble, to avoid the unpleasant, punishment or shame, to gain attention, to gain approval or to look good, pro-social lies to benefit someone (e.g. not wanting their friend to get in trouble).
Teenagers: Growing sense of independence (such as testing boundaries).

Although most children lie, parental influence determines how this behaviour will evolve. The more children lie, the better they get at it and at concealing their lies.

How to handle lying?

Guiding a toddler involves helping her distinguish between fantasy and reality, and teaching a pre-schooler and school-aged child the consequences of lying (showing her how lying is actually not a good plan) can be seen as skill teaching.

Before deciding on how you want to address your child’s behaviour, it might help to determine what the function of the lie was for your child.

Research tells us that harsh punishment escalates the problem.
Create an environment where truth is valued.
Allow enough time for your child to think and then get back to you about what really happened.
Be a team and keep communicating with other significant people in your child’s life (thereby creating less room for lies to be believed).
Set her up for telling the truth. Instead of asking “Did you eat the cookies?” (as she obviously did), rather tell her “I see you have eaten cookies without asking. Next time, please ask first.”

When should I call in the help of a play therapist or a psychologist?

When this behaviour becomes excessive, frequent and repetitive – to the point it disrupts daily functioning.
If lying disrupts normal cognitive and social activities.
If it becomes a habit.
When lies get bigger with bigger consequences.
When seen in conjunction with aggression and oppositional defiant behaviour.