Toddler Tantrums: Using “time outs” appropriately!

Time outs are a useful tool to use when a toddler tantrum openly defies your authority, or if your child displays behaviour that he knows is ‘not on’ (such as kicking the dog).

Time out is not punishment

Wait until he starts to understand that rules need to be followed, so that he understands why time out is happening. Time out must not be seen as punishment. It should rather be seen as an opportunity to teach your toddler how to cope with his feelings of frustration and anger. Once he has learnt how to cope with these feeling, he will be able to start to modify his behaviour.

Take time outs together

If he is still young ( 1- 2 years), start by taking time outs together. So when he starts to push beyond his borders and is getting hyped up, say “let’s stop for a while, take a deep breath and have some quiet time together”.

This is a good way to get him used to a “cooling off period”. Once he is two years old, he will start to understand a bit more that Action = Consequence, as well as being able to follow instructions.

Avoid bathrooms or naughty corners

This is the ideal time to start using more formal time out. A good idea is to use his bedroom as the area for his time out. Remember that if he needs some time out in the first place, his sensory system is most likely overloaded, making him feel out of sorts and disorganized. His bedroom is a safe and secure zone that he is comfortable with, so it will comfort and calm him. Avoid using bathrooms or naughty corners. These areas may make him feel embarrassed, uncomfortable and insecure.

Use body language

When he needs some time out, tell him very firmly (try not to shout, all it does is re-enforce a spiral of negative behaviour) that you do not like what he is doing, and that he needs to go to his room.

Use your body language to re-enforce how serious you are. Point towards the bedroom, and coax him along (don’t be tempted to smack). If he digs his heels in, pick him up firmly (even if he is kicking and screaming), and take him to his bedroom. Once you are there, say to him “It’s not nice to pinch your sister, stay here until you feel better”. Walk out and close the door.

Because he is a toddler, he will weep and wail and may even bash on the door with frustration. Wait for about a minute before you go back. Don’t leave him for too long, but don’t rush back in immediately – allow him some time to calm himself down.

When you re-enter his room, take no notice of the mess that he may have caused, rather keep your voice calm and controlled. Suggest a cuddle on your lap, if he resists, say calmly “OK, I will come back in a little while when you are feeling better”.

Leave the room for another minute. Go back in and repeat your offer. Continue in this way until he is ready for a hug and a cuddle. Sit on the floor, or his bed or a chair in his room, and hold him firmly with a deep hug. Singing a favourite song is also most useful. Wait until he is calm. Briefly discuss the event that caused the time out in the first place.

Acknowledge your toddler’s feelings

Remember to always acknowledge and name how he is feeling by saying “I know that you are feeling angry because I sent you to your room”, then mirror the feeling by saying “I would also feel angry if I were you”, then explain why by saying “it wasn’t very nice to pinch your sister. So remember that next time when you are feeling frustrated with her, pinching is not the way to deal with it”.

Suggest that he puts the ‘bad thought’ into a little box or an imaginary bubble, then go with him to the bedroom window and empty the box, or blow the bubble away.

Offer to help him tidy up his room (if he has trashed it in her rage), then continue with your activities.

Reassure him that time out doesn’t mean that you don’t love him, and that you will always love him no matter what. Don’t refer to the episode again (not even when dad comes home from work) – it is over. This method can be used up to school going age.

Using time out when you are out of the house

Obviously time out will work if you are at home. But what if you are out?

The best way to handle discipline when you are out is to remove your child from the situation. So if he is having a tantrum at the shopping center, ignore him, and try to finish your shopping as quickly as possible and get out of there as fast as you can!

Remember to be in tune to his signals, so don’t take him shopping if he is hungry, tired or over-stimulated – it is bound to end in tears. If you need to discipline in a public place, always take him to a quiet spot around the corner so that he does not feel embarrassed.

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Ann Richardson

Qualified nurse and midwife Ann Richardson, co-author of Baby Sense, Sleep Sense and author of Toddler Sense, all bestsellers, has worked in the midwifery and paediatric fields for over 30 years. Ann has been in private practice for the past 22 years, and introduced the first private well-baby clinics, now a well-known phenomenon at Doctors’ rooms and pharmacies across the country.Passionate about her work and dedicated to ensuring that parents have the necessary knowledge to enjoy and rejoice in their children, she regularly lectures to both professionals and parents on various baby and childcare issues, in particular the effects of the sensory system on infant behaviour, and the management of sleeping disorders. Her specialisation is the treatment of “difficult babies and toddlers”, in particular those with feeding and sleeping disorders.She is a regular contributor to childcare publications, TV and radio. Ann is married with two daughters, and lives and practices in Johannesburg.

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